Welcome to Warp's Lair !!

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour.

The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour-and made the web department take it down immediately.


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Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr.[_] Mrs.[_] Ms.[_] Miss[_] Lt. [_] Gen.[_] Comrade[_]Classified[_] Other
First Name:.....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:.....................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...............................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /.......

4. Serial Number:.................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc.. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic (or Republican)
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

Ode to the Field Engineer

When the earth was created, the powers above

Gave each man a job to work at and love.

He made doctors and lawyers and plumbers and then

He made carpenters, singers and confidence men.

And when each had a job to work, as he should.

The Lord looked them all over and saw it was good.

He then sat down to rest for a day.

When a horrible roar chanced to come his way.

The Lord looked down and his eyes opened wide.

For a motley collection of bums stood outside.

“Oh! What can they want?” the Creator asked then.

“Help us.” They cried out, “Find a job for us men.

We have no profession,” they said in dismay.

“And even the jails have turned us away.”

Said the Lord, “I’ve seen many things without worth.

But here I find gathered the scum of the earth.”

The Lord was perplexed, and then he was mad.

For all the jobs, there was none to be had!

Then he spake aloud in a deep, angry tone,

“For ever and ever ye mongrels shall roam.

Ye shall freeze in the summer and sweat when it’s cold.

Ye shall work on equipment that’s dirty and old.

Ye shall crawl under raised floors, and the cables lay.

Ye shall be called out at midnight and work through the day.

Ye shall work on all holidays and not make your worth.

Ye shall be blamed for all downtime that occurs on the earth.

Ye shall watch all the glory go to software and sales.

Ye shall be blamed by them both if the system then fails.

Ye shall be paid nothing but sorrow and tears.

Ye shall be ever cursed and called FIELD ENGINEERS!”